A lot has happened since I wrote last; most significantly, I have been in Burkina more than a year now and I seem to have gotten over the struggle with my (very American) expectation of achievement. I have decided to do what I can with what I have where I am and let that be enough-- screw everybody’s expectations, including my own.
I am (honestly) not good at much and my community isn’t always the easiest to deal with. I’ve promised myself to keep working hard, but I have realized that in the “end” it may not really lead to much—if anything. There will be no more stressing about what PC thinks is a “good” volunteer, or fitting the expectations of my community to always be physically at the CSPS, or secretly comparing myself with volunteers who speak fluent local language and belong in the PC brochure. I’m over it. I’m going to do whatever I can get people to help with and hope for the best. Since figuring this out, life here has gotten a lot better.
I am (honestly) not good at much and my community isn’t always the easiest to deal with. I’ve promised myself to keep working hard, but I have realized that in the “end” it may not really lead to much—if anything. There will be no more stressing about what PC thinks is a “good” volunteer, or fitting the expectations of my community to always be physically at the CSPS, or secretly comparing myself with volunteers who speak fluent local language and belong in the PC brochure. I’m over it. I’m going to do whatever I can get people to help with and hope for the best. Since figuring this out, life here has gotten a lot better.
Another thing that’s happened recently is that I’ve been more homesick. I used to think I didn’t get homesick. Then I moved continents. Missing life events like births, engagements, and weddings really sucks, because happy as I am for everyone, I will have always missed being a part of it. Life doesn’t wait. But it’s not just the big things, I miss the day to day, too. As one of my friends mentioned, just because you can read about my life here (occasionally) doesn’t mean I know about yours! Also, Grandma hugs are lacking in the Faso. It’s sometimes really hard to be away.
I thought the desire for home would lessen now that I have something here too. Whenever someone in the community says: Hey, it’s been a while, I missed greeting you lately. Now I can reply: I’ve been working! It’s good to see you again— and mean it, because I have and it is. I have kids in my courtyard, and people to visit, and books to read and things to do. Some days the breeze is just right and it makes me think that if heaven is a place, there are mango trees and millet fields in it.
This village is not my home; I’m not ready to settle anywhere just yet. But as the kids are telling each other that I won’t be here next Christmas, I really want to tell them they’re wrong, I’m different, I’ll stay. Instead, I pretend that I don’t understand their Mooré. I can’t ignore the reality, but I can put it off for a little while.
Everything is fleeting. So I am just happy to be in it: this moment, this place, this life. I know that sooner than I’d like, days like today at the marché are what I’ll be missing. My heart remains divided between villages, one in America the other here. We always want what we can’t have.
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There is a new group of volunteers just starting like I was last year, getting off the plane and being embraced by Burkina heat. I wish them all the best, and my advice is simple: if you are here to learn, you will.
Wend na kõ-d sũur noogo. (May God give us happy hearts)
Until next time!
P.S. In more minor news: I have a mouse in my house, my electricity's being cut, I carved a watermelon for Halloween, and plans are in the works for an all-village birthday party. Life is good :)
P.S. In more minor news: I have a mouse in my house, my electricity's being cut, I carved a watermelon for Halloween, and plans are in the works for an all-village birthday party. Life is good :)
